Over the last few weeks I've been wrestling with the decision to take my career in a new direction. The decision ended up being a simple one, not simple in that it isn't causing some emotional upheaval, but simple in my feeling that it's the right path forward. Now the days ahead have the tinge of nerves that best accompany new things, a mixture of excitement and oh-heavens-what-have-I-done.
In conversations with friends over this period, some who knew of my decision, some who didn't, several times I've been met with some variation of the following:
"You always have something in the works, don't you?"
"You've always got big plans."
The connotation of the above is everything. One way, it sounds like I'm some master manipulator, constantly looking ahead to see how I might conquer new tasks, new people. It sounds cold, conniving even, as if I have no regard for the life I'm living today. Put another way, it's a bit more sunny, unafraid of risks, questioning the status quo, excited by the potential inherent in the future. Depending on my mood, and whether I'm more excited or nervous about this next step, I am equal parts hurt or encouraged by the comment.
Connotation is partly derived from the tone of the speaker, but in many conversational instances, it's equally derived from the positive or negative expectation on the part of the listener. A sneer in delivery is hard to ignore, but an imagined sneer is just as powerful and equally hard to dismiss. And as I only have my own expectations under control, it's only the imagined sneer I can fight with any success.
I don't want to live a life devoid of big plans. Or small plans. I don't enjoy sitting unless that rest is preparation for something, preparation for work, or travel, or adventure. And I think that's just one facet of my personality, perhaps not even a defining one. Ambition doesn't negate gratitude for the here and now. And I don't think ambition or restlessness or curiosity, or whatever hybrid of those traits sparks a fire in the belly, requires justification.
My best friend gave me a wall hanging of Proverbs 31:25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." It isn't reflective of me on most days, but it is an aspiration. I'm not sure how often I laugh without fear of the future, without worry over my big plans. But the older I get, the less ashamed I am of the feeling in my gut that I can do more than I presently imagine.
"You've always got big plans." Yes, I do.
