Things I Find Truly Offensive

1. These damn caterpillars. WHERE DO THEY COME FROM? One got caught INSIDE my skirt last night and I didn't notice until I was in my kitchen and felt red darts of fire against my thigh. Luckily I was alone as I just hopped around screaming for thirty seconds or so while trying to rip off my skirt. The little evildoer landed on my foot and I now have a four-pronged square of pain that looks kinda like a hickey, kinda like stigmata.

2. Styrofoam.

3. My complete inability to exit the front door without getting my skirt caught in it. It's not that tough, Rachel. Open the door wider, wear skirts that aren't so long. You're a grad student, surely you have the brain power to not fall down your steps every other day.

4. The freckle at the top of my forehead. It looks like someone took a sharpie and made a big black dot just below my hairline.

5. Condensation on the outside of plastic cups.

6. George W. Bush

7. The lack of Ethiopian food in the New Orleans area. I need to eat ethnic food with my fingers several times a year, people.

8. The amount of money in my bank account. Or, should I say, the complete lack of money in my bank account. I flipped a coin this morning to see whether I would go out to lunch with my roomie or buy groceries for the weekend. I flipped it twice because the "groceries" (tails) won. Why did I even flip the coin? Wasted a couple seconds of my life on that one.

9. Small, yippy dogs. Why can't everyone just have a REAL dog, complete with full-bodied bark and muddy paws? If I am attacked by one more manicured chihuahua at Audobon I will not be responsible for my actions.

10. My friends are leaving town. I'm gearing up for loneliness.

Sorry, compadres. I'm in a low mood today and decided to complain. As most of you know that this is not in my nature, I expect a plethora of emails sending virtual hugs and "snap out of it"s. Flowers would be cool, too. And chocolate. And if someone wants to volunteer to pay off my loans I'd really appreciate it.

Yes, I am Doing What You Think I am Doing

Yes, I am sitting in my car outside Madigans with my laptop checking my email. Yes, that is correct. There is a redheaded woman sketchily checking her bank balance from the comfort of her Volkswagon Golf in the Walgreens parking lot across from the Bar and Grill. Yes, that is correct. You can stop staring now. You can go back to your important walking-to-the-bar business.

Oh, yes, officer. Hello. Is there a problem? No, sir. I'm just checking my email. The internet is free this way. I don't want to buy a beer. Okay. Thank you, sir. You have a nice night, too.

Grrreat. Hello, drunk man. Are you actually knocking on my window? Is that what you're doing? And you're laughing at me. Fabulous.

Can a woman not check her email from the Walgreens parking lot with a clandestine internet connection in peace? Is there no sanctity in the world?

It's a Scary Time for all Law Students

I would like to introduce you to Javier and Diego, the homosexual gerbils currently cohabitating with my dear friend, Katherine. Katherine, bless her dear heart, is currently studying for her Legal Profession final exam. And by "studying" I really mean "placing her homosexual gerbils into the stuffed bunny basket I gave her for Easter and taking pictures." This is what happens during finals, people. We go CRAZY. I'm currently studying for Business Enterprises and by "studying" I really mean "playing tic-tac-toe with myself on the inside cover of my textbook."

I just didn't want there to be any misconceptions as to the "studying" going on at present. Homosexual gerbils, tic-tac-toe...these are the current pasttimes being pursued by the future generation of American lawyers.