I was twelve when my sister was born. There is no era of her life that I don't remember. While there were large chunks of her growth that I learned of through emails and phone calls while I was in college and Peace Corps and Kansas City and law school, there is no year of her life that is not vividly etched in the experience of my own.
She's a junior in high school now. I am sure she has hazy but distinct memories of me at that age, she would have been four. She remembers me singing her to sleep maybe, or watching me line up for photos with friends in various poufy, poufy prom dresses. She doesn't remember the fights I had with Dad, or the exhaustion of too many honors classes and too many plays. She doesn't remember me as the often sullen, sulky, teenagery girl I'm sure my parents occassionally recall.
When she was younger, and I was younger, I often marveled at how alike we were. Both sunny and smart, dramatic, (overly) sensitive, curious. But as I got older parts of me became less of those things and more of others. And while I still feel like we are more alike than we are different, our differences are acute and powerful, which is exactly how it should be. She was never supposed to be a newer version of me, a cleaned up copy without my flaws. She was only supposed to be her.
I'm in Madison, WI this week for work. I've never been to this town before and I like it. And I like being here alone, with nobody but myself to entertain. I like walking down State Street and eating Afghani food (too salty) and browsing a dusty used bookstore for an hour. And as I walked around campus and into shops my sister would love, I remembered how caged I felt at 16. How desperate I would have been for a small window of time where I just got to wander, with nobody to report to, no papers to write, no boyfriends to break up with and cry over. Just wander, eat weird things, smile at strangers, buy books I don't need, and apologize to noone for my selfishness.
I look at my sister sometimes and I remember that caged feeling, when you know your parents mean well and love well, but you have a world to see. And I want to just hold her and tell her to survive another couple of years, to thrive in them and enjoy the occassional lack of responsibility. Because two years from now she will be tucked away in some college with more freedom than she can imagine, enough freedom to be terrifying and exhilirating all at once.
I do not feel old. While I am quickly approaching 29, I have never had that odd fear many women (including my friends) have regarding the 30th birthday. I have always felt that life must get exponentially better as time progresses, because the older one is, the more adventures one has had. You can't subtract the fun from years. So adding time just seems like adding opportunities for happiness you didn't know you had coming. But, young as I feel, and young as I am, I can look at my sister and be both envious of the years she has before her and worried, as I know I would not really wish to repeat them.
I wish many Afghani/Laotian/Tahitian/Moroccan/Catalan restaurants tucked in side streets for my sister. And tiny bookshops with winding iron stairs. And views from the tops of mountains and the sides of hills in cities and states and countries she hasn't thought about visiting yet. And teachers that inspire her. And classes that she thought she'd love that she discovers she hates. And vice versa. Friends that will go on road trips with her to illogical places. Lucky breaks. A pretty church. Music in parks with blankets tossed on cool, green grass. A million reasons to take a picture.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Memory
I was having trouble writing for work and so began to write for fun (how else do you get rid of a Block?). I initially emailed this to a friend but thought I'd post it here, too, for posterity's sake. Just a memory of a place I would occassionally rather be...
I didn't intend to be in Marrakech alone. I'd traveled there many times to join other volunteers, and that time was no different. I packed my small bag and walked to the taxi stand outside the village, the sand still angry and sharp after the previous day's storm. I called out for a cab to 'Maraksh' and half a dozen men started yelling their price, some exorbitantly high, and some suspiciously low. I picked the cab with mostly women, paid my fare, and climbed in, preparing myself for the requisite poking, questioning stares of strangers. Red hair always gave me away.
The cab ride was always two hours or so through dry, almost dead-looking countryside. I don't know if I will ever be able to adequately describe the color of Moroccan dirt. A pinkish, clay color that mixed with eons of Saharan sand and black, black crumbled rock. The red of carpets was a near camouflage to the ground the prayer rugs graced, and I remember aching for green, for leaves, for the cool of fresh grass. But in my slice of Morocco, red dirt was God's palate of choice.
The cab wound East from my village, ending at a huge cab stand on the outskirts of Maraksh, where I gathered my things and found a second cab to take me into the city. The discussion was always the same:
Rashida: Salam Ealaykom (blessings and peace)
Cab: Wa ealykom salam (blessings and peace to you)
R: Labas? (is everything well?)
C: Labas, hamdollah (everything is well, thanks be to God), ntee? (and you?)
R: Kolshi bekheer, hamdollah (everything is good, thanks be to God). Bgheet mshew Jma El Fna (I'd like to go to the main square)
C: Enchallah (if God wills it)
R: Enchallah (if God wills it), wash le magana kdhem? (does the meter work?)
C: Khdeem (it works)
R: Waxa, yalla (ok, lets go)
The cab ride to the main square was always different, never the same route, as we always had to dodge a donkey cart or a fruit stand surprisingly set up in the middle of a road. This time, midway through the ride, I received a text from the two friends I was meeting, one was ill (ah, parasites) and the other had missed the one bus out of her village for the day. I was officially in Marrakech alone. I left the cab with my requisite blessing and thanks, the smell of roasting nuts and the bang of drums drowning the tears that would have cropped up at the prospect of exploring my favorite, terrifying city alone for 3 days. I made my way through the twists and turns of an alley to the inn I always stayed in, the Sindi Sud, where for $2 a night I could unwind my sleeping bag on the roof and sleep under the stars, the sounds of the night market booming below me.
After storing my things and inquiring if any other Americans had stopped by (no luck, only a German), I emerged into the city I'd never explored on my own. I walked to the cafe overlooking the square for a late breakfast of eggs and bread and thick, black coffee with cream. The drums never ceased in the square. But their rhythm was never disturbing or overly loud, it was a drumming like heartbeats, with the peppering of shouts and price wrangling and the squeal of a stray cat under somebody's cart. After breakfast I wrapped a long shawl around my head to hide the shock of my red, Western hair, and ventured into the souk, the overwhelming market of cloth and food and trinkets that never ceased to swallow me whole. I wandered, shooing away most vendors with better Arabic than they expected from a blue-eyed tourist, and found myself lost near a pile of fermented olives being sold by a child no older than 7. I bought olives and bread and almonds from her, slid them into my bag for later, and set out to find a carpet seller.
After inquiring of several smiling, suspicious vendors, I found the carpet hovel of SiMohammad, who welcomed me in with a tray of mint tea and disgusting cookies. Moroccans are excellent cooks and I ate the most delicious foods of my life while living there, but the cookies were occassionally sawdust with sugar. He was a tiny man, wiry and dark, with clear hazel eyes and a long cream jelaba (robe). He was very religious and so would not touch me, when I offered my hand he sweetly placed his hand on his heart in greeting and I knew my unmarried touch was sinful to him. But his demeanor was warm and friendly, and he asked how I came to wander alone. We talked as much as we could in my broken Arabic and his broken French and after a half hour of laughter and his enjoyment of my pronunciation of several words that were probably offensive, he allowed me to wander his shop, pointing at the rugs I loved, asking their price. Soon he discovered my price range, my color choice, my length preference, and within minutes I bought a long, beautiful Berber rug, tucking it under my arm and promising blessing upon his house as I Ieft.
I sat down against a wall to eat my olives and almonds, watching women dye cloth in huge vats of dark, shimmering liquid. They pressed the huge strips with large wooden poles and, seeing me watch them, they waved and welcomed me and let me sit near a vat and listen to them sing. The sting of lye or vinegar in the dye made my eyes tear and the insides my nose burn in the first minutes, but over time the heat of the day, the cool of shared orange juice, and the laughter of children pushed the vinegar away and I layed down near an old woman knitting socks to sleep.
By the time I woke the sky was darkening, so I began to stumble my way out of the souk, moving always towards the sound of drums. When I emerged, night had arrived, dark in its way, but bursting with independently strewn lights across the square. Each light danced on skewers of meat, fresh fish, frying potato, hot bread stuffed with fat and spices. I sat at the first table I could find and ordered a dish of meat I, to this day, could not recognize. I ate and chatted with a French couple next to me who were shocked at my solo exploration, and impressed by my easy ordering skills. I recommended they stay away from the fish sold by the one-legged man unless they enjoyed the bathroom of their hotel quite fiercely.
I bought msimin, hot layered bread with pockets of olive oil and sage, and began to walk back to the inn, tired and ready for sleep. I climbed to the roof and unrolled by bed, tucking my new rug beneath my head as a hard, souk-smelling pillow. Cool desert air blew in from the Sahara and the shadow of Mount Toubkal was thrown in relief against a sky lit equally by stars and market lights. I fell asleep to the heartbeat of drums.
I didn't intend to be in Marrakech alone. I'd traveled there many times to join other volunteers, and that time was no different. I packed my small bag and walked to the taxi stand outside the village, the sand still angry and sharp after the previous day's storm. I called out for a cab to 'Maraksh' and half a dozen men started yelling their price, some exorbitantly high, and some suspiciously low. I picked the cab with mostly women, paid my fare, and climbed in, preparing myself for the requisite poking, questioning stares of strangers. Red hair always gave me away.
The cab ride was always two hours or so through dry, almost dead-looking countryside. I don't know if I will ever be able to adequately describe the color of Moroccan dirt. A pinkish, clay color that mixed with eons of Saharan sand and black, black crumbled rock. The red of carpets was a near camouflage to the ground the prayer rugs graced, and I remember aching for green, for leaves, for the cool of fresh grass. But in my slice of Morocco, red dirt was God's palate of choice.
The cab wound East from my village, ending at a huge cab stand on the outskirts of Maraksh, where I gathered my things and found a second cab to take me into the city. The discussion was always the same:
Rashida: Salam Ealaykom (blessings and peace)
Cab: Wa ealykom salam (blessings and peace to you)
R: Labas? (is everything well?)
C: Labas, hamdollah (everything is well, thanks be to God), ntee? (and you?)
R: Kolshi bekheer, hamdollah (everything is good, thanks be to God). Bgheet mshew Jma El Fna (I'd like to go to the main square)
C: Enchallah (if God wills it)
R: Enchallah (if God wills it), wash le magana kdhem? (does the meter work?)
C: Khdeem (it works)
R: Waxa, yalla (ok, lets go)
The cab ride to the main square was always different, never the same route, as we always had to dodge a donkey cart or a fruit stand surprisingly set up in the middle of a road. This time, midway through the ride, I received a text from the two friends I was meeting, one was ill (ah, parasites) and the other had missed the one bus out of her village for the day. I was officially in Marrakech alone. I left the cab with my requisite blessing and thanks, the smell of roasting nuts and the bang of drums drowning the tears that would have cropped up at the prospect of exploring my favorite, terrifying city alone for 3 days. I made my way through the twists and turns of an alley to the inn I always stayed in, the Sindi Sud, where for $2 a night I could unwind my sleeping bag on the roof and sleep under the stars, the sounds of the night market booming below me.
After storing my things and inquiring if any other Americans had stopped by (no luck, only a German), I emerged into the city I'd never explored on my own. I walked to the cafe overlooking the square for a late breakfast of eggs and bread and thick, black coffee with cream. The drums never ceased in the square. But their rhythm was never disturbing or overly loud, it was a drumming like heartbeats, with the peppering of shouts and price wrangling and the squeal of a stray cat under somebody's cart. After breakfast I wrapped a long shawl around my head to hide the shock of my red, Western hair, and ventured into the souk, the overwhelming market of cloth and food and trinkets that never ceased to swallow me whole. I wandered, shooing away most vendors with better Arabic than they expected from a blue-eyed tourist, and found myself lost near a pile of fermented olives being sold by a child no older than 7. I bought olives and bread and almonds from her, slid them into my bag for later, and set out to find a carpet seller.
After inquiring of several smiling, suspicious vendors, I found the carpet hovel of SiMohammad, who welcomed me in with a tray of mint tea and disgusting cookies. Moroccans are excellent cooks and I ate the most delicious foods of my life while living there, but the cookies were occassionally sawdust with sugar. He was a tiny man, wiry and dark, with clear hazel eyes and a long cream jelaba (robe). He was very religious and so would not touch me, when I offered my hand he sweetly placed his hand on his heart in greeting and I knew my unmarried touch was sinful to him. But his demeanor was warm and friendly, and he asked how I came to wander alone. We talked as much as we could in my broken Arabic and his broken French and after a half hour of laughter and his enjoyment of my pronunciation of several words that were probably offensive, he allowed me to wander his shop, pointing at the rugs I loved, asking their price. Soon he discovered my price range, my color choice, my length preference, and within minutes I bought a long, beautiful Berber rug, tucking it under my arm and promising blessing upon his house as I Ieft.
I sat down against a wall to eat my olives and almonds, watching women dye cloth in huge vats of dark, shimmering liquid. They pressed the huge strips with large wooden poles and, seeing me watch them, they waved and welcomed me and let me sit near a vat and listen to them sing. The sting of lye or vinegar in the dye made my eyes tear and the insides my nose burn in the first minutes, but over time the heat of the day, the cool of shared orange juice, and the laughter of children pushed the vinegar away and I layed down near an old woman knitting socks to sleep.
By the time I woke the sky was darkening, so I began to stumble my way out of the souk, moving always towards the sound of drums. When I emerged, night had arrived, dark in its way, but bursting with independently strewn lights across the square. Each light danced on skewers of meat, fresh fish, frying potato, hot bread stuffed with fat and spices. I sat at the first table I could find and ordered a dish of meat I, to this day, could not recognize. I ate and chatted with a French couple next to me who were shocked at my solo exploration, and impressed by my easy ordering skills. I recommended they stay away from the fish sold by the one-legged man unless they enjoyed the bathroom of their hotel quite fiercely.
I bought msimin, hot layered bread with pockets of olive oil and sage, and began to walk back to the inn, tired and ready for sleep. I climbed to the roof and unrolled by bed, tucking my new rug beneath my head as a hard, souk-smelling pillow. Cool desert air blew in from the Sahara and the shadow of Mount Toubkal was thrown in relief against a sky lit equally by stars and market lights. I fell asleep to the heartbeat of drums.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Renew
I ran (and finished) my first marathon yesterday.
It was chilly to start, low 40s. I had some gloves to begin but was able to toss those aside after two or three miles. I started chatting with another girl at the start and we ran together the first 5 miles. Unfortunately, her pace was faster than I usually start for long runs and I paid for that later in the race.
The first 8/9 miles went incredibly easy. Beautiful route around the lakes, sunshine, lots of crowds cheering everyone on and more boomboxes playing "Eye of the Tiger" than was really necessary.
I got lovely, supportive hugs twice from Sharon in that first leg, and again around 12 where I also saw my parents and sister. Julie was waiting for me around mile 14 and at 20 my parents and sister were on the sidelines again, cheering me on. My boyfriend, Jason, had the misfortune of missing me around mile 25, which was partly my fault as by that point I had stopped scanning the crowds and had my eyes firmly stitched to the pavement.
The race was not difficult until mile 18 or so. I suppose that's pretty typical. At 18 I was bored and frustrated by the pain in my left foot, aggravated that a pain I'd never had on any training run was choosing Marathon Day to introduce itself. Is that a muscle? A bone? Whatever it was, it ached for four miles straight and then disappeared (replaced by other pains, of course). At 20 I was exhausted and felt like if I stopped at all I would never get my engine started again. So when I saw my family just past the 20 mile mark, I couldn't stop for hugs. I did smile, I think.
Mile by mile, I can't differentiate much between the miles 21 to 26. But I did cry a bit at mile 23, stopping for powerade. A little old woman shook her fist at me goodnaturedly and said, "you can do it, sweetie." I felt like a wimp, crying in public like that. But I bucked up with the powerade. 23 and 24 were pure misery. The miles felt twice as long as I thought possible and the "you're almost there"s being screamed from the crowd started to annoy me. Because after running 24 miles, knowing I still have 2 more to go does not feel like "almost there" in the slightest. It feels like an eternity. I could tell the screams that were coming from former marathoners (or maybe they just had a better grasp of the pain involved) because their cheers were more specific. "8/10 of a mile more of this hill and then it's flat again" "less than half a mile until the next water stop"...those smaller milestones were much more reasonable in my head.
I carried two Bible verses with me, Isaiah 40:31 (but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will rise up on eagles' wings, they will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint) and Hebrews 12:1 (therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that entangles and run with perseverance the race set before us). I have both memorized, generally, but carried post-its with me to read over while warming up at the Metrodome and just in case some emotional meltdown required some spiritual sustenance down the road. Mile 23/24 required such sustenance. I didn't break out the post-its (I think I forgot they were tucked in my pocket, actually). And I couldn't remember much of the verses at all. Hebrews altogether vanished. All I could remember of Isaiah was eagle wings and "renew their strength" so each beat on the pavement was accompagnied by an (I assume) intelligible-only-to-God prayer to give me wings and "renew" my strength. I remember praying something along the lines of, "I know you promise only to renew my strength, you don't promise that this will feel good. I know it will hurt. Just renew my strength enough to get me to the end. However that renewal works, just renew me enough to finish. Please. Amen."
And, as is so often with God, his answer was weird. For some reason the eagle wing thing got me thinking about birds which led to me thinking about this baby bird I found growing up in Arkansas, that my parents let me attempt to nurse to health from the comfort of a cardboard box in the garage. I spent at least 10 minutes trying to remember the name I gave that bird. And then what about that kitten I found once? Did I name that? Did we give him away or did he run away? I couldn't remember. Oh, and Rocky! The "flying" squirrel that fell on my head off our roof in St. Louis and we kept in an easter basket hung from a tree limb for a day before calling animal control. But what was the name of that bird I found? I remember it started with a T, I think. Or maybe an S. And what happened to him? I assume he died. Did I bury him? I remember burying some goldfish. And a couple hamsters, including Buster, who might have been inadvertently murdered. What was the name of that bird?
This mental detour carried me through 23 and midway into 24. By the time I realized I'd been running that entire time I could see the sign for mile 25. I felt lifted. Renewed?
I will admit that 25 felt good. Not physically good. My heart just felt tired, my lungs felt tired. I thought maybe that's what it feels like to die, or if not to die, to grow old. Sounds morbid, but the thoughts get a little wacky near the end. 25 felt physically awful. But mentally, it was the first time I'd thought, "you're actually going to pull this off."
Before 25 I was mainly going for mini-milestones. Mile 6, eat a gel. Mile 8, put the iPod on shuffle. Mile 12, eat a gel. Mile 19, get a banana. Mile 23, eat a gel. Intersperse some powerade stops in there. But at 25 it dawned on me that I was 1.2 miles from the finish. Even if I walked the rest (which I didn't), I would finish with time to spare. So 25 was a happy mile and knowing I'd done it helped me believe that mile 25 was not actually 7 miles long (although it felt that way). I thought that must be what "renewal" feels like, in any sense of the word. To feel completely exhausted and yet suddenly find some wellspring of energy or hope or passion that just makes you know that what felt over is not actually over. You still have work to do. And you have been blessed with the power to complete it.
At the top of the hill, with about .4 miles left to go, you can see the finish line. A huge American flag waving over a line at the foot of the Capital. I turned off my iPod then, wanting to remember the sound of finishing. And I told myself to remember what that felt like. Not to forget that feeling, too, and not just the feeling of leaden icepicks driving through my thighs. Remember that lump in your throat when the finish line was visible. A metaphor for everything. (And yes, only an English major would state to themselves--you're living through an actual metaphor right now, not a simile, a metaphor!)
Isaiah 40:31 doesn't waste its time on simile either. Upon renewal, you do not rise up on something like eagles wings. Those wings are actual and real. Wings that carry you when you recognize you can no longer carry yourself. Wings that give you a moment to catch your breath, renew. Then cross that line.
It was chilly to start, low 40s. I had some gloves to begin but was able to toss those aside after two or three miles. I started chatting with another girl at the start and we ran together the first 5 miles. Unfortunately, her pace was faster than I usually start for long runs and I paid for that later in the race.
The first 8/9 miles went incredibly easy. Beautiful route around the lakes, sunshine, lots of crowds cheering everyone on and more boomboxes playing "Eye of the Tiger" than was really necessary.
I got lovely, supportive hugs twice from Sharon in that first leg, and again around 12 where I also saw my parents and sister. Julie was waiting for me around mile 14 and at 20 my parents and sister were on the sidelines again, cheering me on. My boyfriend, Jason, had the misfortune of missing me around mile 25, which was partly my fault as by that point I had stopped scanning the crowds and had my eyes firmly stitched to the pavement.
The race was not difficult until mile 18 or so. I suppose that's pretty typical. At 18 I was bored and frustrated by the pain in my left foot, aggravated that a pain I'd never had on any training run was choosing Marathon Day to introduce itself. Is that a muscle? A bone? Whatever it was, it ached for four miles straight and then disappeared (replaced by other pains, of course). At 20 I was exhausted and felt like if I stopped at all I would never get my engine started again. So when I saw my family just past the 20 mile mark, I couldn't stop for hugs. I did smile, I think.
Mile by mile, I can't differentiate much between the miles 21 to 26. But I did cry a bit at mile 23, stopping for powerade. A little old woman shook her fist at me goodnaturedly and said, "you can do it, sweetie." I felt like a wimp, crying in public like that. But I bucked up with the powerade. 23 and 24 were pure misery. The miles felt twice as long as I thought possible and the "you're almost there"s being screamed from the crowd started to annoy me. Because after running 24 miles, knowing I still have 2 more to go does not feel like "almost there" in the slightest. It feels like an eternity. I could tell the screams that were coming from former marathoners (or maybe they just had a better grasp of the pain involved) because their cheers were more specific. "8/10 of a mile more of this hill and then it's flat again" "less than half a mile until the next water stop"...those smaller milestones were much more reasonable in my head.
I carried two Bible verses with me, Isaiah 40:31 (but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will rise up on eagles' wings, they will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint) and Hebrews 12:1 (therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that entangles and run with perseverance the race set before us). I have both memorized, generally, but carried post-its with me to read over while warming up at the Metrodome and just in case some emotional meltdown required some spiritual sustenance down the road. Mile 23/24 required such sustenance. I didn't break out the post-its (I think I forgot they were tucked in my pocket, actually). And I couldn't remember much of the verses at all. Hebrews altogether vanished. All I could remember of Isaiah was eagle wings and "renew their strength" so each beat on the pavement was accompagnied by an (I assume) intelligible-only-to-God prayer to give me wings and "renew" my strength. I remember praying something along the lines of, "I know you promise only to renew my strength, you don't promise that this will feel good. I know it will hurt. Just renew my strength enough to get me to the end. However that renewal works, just renew me enough to finish. Please. Amen."
And, as is so often with God, his answer was weird. For some reason the eagle wing thing got me thinking about birds which led to me thinking about this baby bird I found growing up in Arkansas, that my parents let me attempt to nurse to health from the comfort of a cardboard box in the garage. I spent at least 10 minutes trying to remember the name I gave that bird. And then what about that kitten I found once? Did I name that? Did we give him away or did he run away? I couldn't remember. Oh, and Rocky! The "flying" squirrel that fell on my head off our roof in St. Louis and we kept in an easter basket hung from a tree limb for a day before calling animal control. But what was the name of that bird I found? I remember it started with a T, I think. Or maybe an S. And what happened to him? I assume he died. Did I bury him? I remember burying some goldfish. And a couple hamsters, including Buster, who might have been inadvertently murdered. What was the name of that bird?
This mental detour carried me through 23 and midway into 24. By the time I realized I'd been running that entire time I could see the sign for mile 25. I felt lifted. Renewed?
I will admit that 25 felt good. Not physically good. My heart just felt tired, my lungs felt tired. I thought maybe that's what it feels like to die, or if not to die, to grow old. Sounds morbid, but the thoughts get a little wacky near the end. 25 felt physically awful. But mentally, it was the first time I'd thought, "you're actually going to pull this off."
Before 25 I was mainly going for mini-milestones. Mile 6, eat a gel. Mile 8, put the iPod on shuffle. Mile 12, eat a gel. Mile 19, get a banana. Mile 23, eat a gel. Intersperse some powerade stops in there. But at 25 it dawned on me that I was 1.2 miles from the finish. Even if I walked the rest (which I didn't), I would finish with time to spare. So 25 was a happy mile and knowing I'd done it helped me believe that mile 25 was not actually 7 miles long (although it felt that way). I thought that must be what "renewal" feels like, in any sense of the word. To feel completely exhausted and yet suddenly find some wellspring of energy or hope or passion that just makes you know that what felt over is not actually over. You still have work to do. And you have been blessed with the power to complete it.
At the top of the hill, with about .4 miles left to go, you can see the finish line. A huge American flag waving over a line at the foot of the Capital. I turned off my iPod then, wanting to remember the sound of finishing. And I told myself to remember what that felt like. Not to forget that feeling, too, and not just the feeling of leaden icepicks driving through my thighs. Remember that lump in your throat when the finish line was visible. A metaphor for everything. (And yes, only an English major would state to themselves--you're living through an actual metaphor right now, not a simile, a metaphor!)
Isaiah 40:31 doesn't waste its time on simile either. Upon renewal, you do not rise up on something like eagles wings. Those wings are actual and real. Wings that carry you when you recognize you can no longer carry yourself. Wings that give you a moment to catch your breath, renew. Then cross that line.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
The Day Before
I will run my first marathon tomorrow. I've thought all day about what I should write for this post. Last minute soul searching? Countdown anxiety? I'm not sure how specific I can be as to how or what I'm feeling, so I figure I'll just detail this day for posterity's sake.
I finally fell asleep last night a little after midnight, woke up around 9am. A solid sleep, despite my inability to calm down last night. I picked up my race packet yesterday and spent much of the evening reading and rereading the participant materials, trying on my race day clothes, debating how cold 45 degrees would feel midrun. I settled on the same concoction of clothing I'd chosen pre-debate (typical), grey knee-length pants, dad's 1985 marathon tshirt, red long sleeve technical shirt with world's greatest pocket, smartwool socks, blue sweatshirt for warming up.
After breakfast (oatmeal, baked apple, 2 eggs) I went to Running Room for spectator books, Target for new earphones, and Trader Joe's for bananas and milk (two things I will need tomorrow morning). I got a call from a friend and so stopped by her home where she gave me celebratory flowers and I spastically described my race day plans. I might have qualified as hyper at that point. Came home and cut the flowers too short so now they look a little weird in my one and only vase (I need a tall vase). But they're bright and happy and remind me of supportive friends so a sloppy arrangement (wholly my fault) is easily ignored.
I've been downloading new songs for iPod, some suggestions from fellow runners, some just homey songs that will remind me of the people that helped me get here. Alabama and Creedence Clearwater Revival for my Dad. Guns n' Roses for Jason. Garth Brooks and bad euro dance music for Christina. U2 for Megan. 80s randomness and Rogue Wave for Juice. Decemberists and Dan Auerbach for Chris. Richard Marx (no joke) and Wynton Marsalis for Stephanie. It's an eclectic mix, to say nothing else. There's always a purpose to my music, and at mile 21 I know I'll need constant reminding of the people who high fived me the first time I ran 3 miles, much less 26.
I bought a tshirt yesterday at the expo. It says, "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." I won't wear it until tomorrow afternoon but the quote is dead-on. If someone had told me 4 years ago, at my heaviest (230+ lbs), newly evacuated from New Orleans and feeling completely uninspired by my life, that in 4 years I'd weigh 80+ lbs less (roughly, I'm a girl, I'm not stating my EXACT weight), a half-marathon and 20-mile race under my belt and a marathon on the horizon...well. I don't think I would have had any choice but laugh at that idea. It still seems mildly ludicrous to me, so I can't imagine how I would have reacted back then.
I can't say that I was miserable back then, at that size. I knew I was unhealthy and that I could be healthier. But I have always adapted to my world and my circumstances very easily. I was (and am) a naturally happy person. But after evacuating I was overcome with a sense that such a disaster would be easier somehow if I had control over something, if I could at least depend on my own body to survive such a thing. I felt that I was making my life more difficult by the choices I was making and that seemed illogical. With better choices, healthier decisions, I could fight whatever disasters rolled my way with less heartache (perhaps) and I could, when things got really bad, always know that I'd done everything in my power to make sure I was physically capable of conquering whatever needed conquering. I simply felt weak. And that stopped being okay.
That was 4 years ago so the road was long. But I suppose the road usually is when it's something worthwhile. And 4 years ago I didn't set out to one day run a marathon. I just wanted to be stronger. Better. At that point I had no concept of what that looked like, I only knew I had a long way to go. So tomorrow's event was never my goal, it couldn't have been. I don't typically shoot for impossible things and that's exactly what a marathon would have been at that point.
Goals shift. At the marathon expo yesterday I was wandering around taste testing clif bars and juices, looking at newfangled socks and visors. I chatted with a couple other runners, some doing the 10 mile race, others doing the marathon. Someone came on the loudspeaker and made some announcement, "Runners, don't forget..." "Runners, make sure you stop by..." "Runners, welcome and please bring..."
Runners.
If I had had some faraway, wildly unattainable goal 4 years ago, if I'd admitted as much to myself, it would have been to be part of such a collective. To be a "runner" maybe. Or just a "healthy" person. Part of some easily defined group of persons pursuing a physical goal. It would have been a vague dream at that point 4 years ago. But if I'd had the courage to name it, that would have been it. I wanted to be an athlete, however that was defined for the body God gave me.
Today I ran errands. I figured out my running clothes. I mapped things, emailed my race number to people. Made plans and preparations to meet friends and family along the route. Because it may be hard to find me tomorrow, one of 11,000. I will be part of a collective. A big, sweaty, happy, healthy collective.
I will be one of the Runners.
I finally fell asleep last night a little after midnight, woke up around 9am. A solid sleep, despite my inability to calm down last night. I picked up my race packet yesterday and spent much of the evening reading and rereading the participant materials, trying on my race day clothes, debating how cold 45 degrees would feel midrun. I settled on the same concoction of clothing I'd chosen pre-debate (typical), grey knee-length pants, dad's 1985 marathon tshirt, red long sleeve technical shirt with world's greatest pocket, smartwool socks, blue sweatshirt for warming up.
After breakfast (oatmeal, baked apple, 2 eggs) I went to Running Room for spectator books, Target for new earphones, and Trader Joe's for bananas and milk (two things I will need tomorrow morning). I got a call from a friend and so stopped by her home where she gave me celebratory flowers and I spastically described my race day plans. I might have qualified as hyper at that point. Came home and cut the flowers too short so now they look a little weird in my one and only vase (I need a tall vase). But they're bright and happy and remind me of supportive friends so a sloppy arrangement (wholly my fault) is easily ignored.
I've been downloading new songs for iPod, some suggestions from fellow runners, some just homey songs that will remind me of the people that helped me get here. Alabama and Creedence Clearwater Revival for my Dad. Guns n' Roses for Jason. Garth Brooks and bad euro dance music for Christina. U2 for Megan. 80s randomness and Rogue Wave for Juice. Decemberists and Dan Auerbach for Chris. Richard Marx (no joke) and Wynton Marsalis for Stephanie. It's an eclectic mix, to say nothing else. There's always a purpose to my music, and at mile 21 I know I'll need constant reminding of the people who high fived me the first time I ran 3 miles, much less 26.
I bought a tshirt yesterday at the expo. It says, "The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." I won't wear it until tomorrow afternoon but the quote is dead-on. If someone had told me 4 years ago, at my heaviest (230+ lbs), newly evacuated from New Orleans and feeling completely uninspired by my life, that in 4 years I'd weigh 80+ lbs less (roughly, I'm a girl, I'm not stating my EXACT weight), a half-marathon and 20-mile race under my belt and a marathon on the horizon...well. I don't think I would have had any choice but laugh at that idea. It still seems mildly ludicrous to me, so I can't imagine how I would have reacted back then.
I can't say that I was miserable back then, at that size. I knew I was unhealthy and that I could be healthier. But I have always adapted to my world and my circumstances very easily. I was (and am) a naturally happy person. But after evacuating I was overcome with a sense that such a disaster would be easier somehow if I had control over something, if I could at least depend on my own body to survive such a thing. I felt that I was making my life more difficult by the choices I was making and that seemed illogical. With better choices, healthier decisions, I could fight whatever disasters rolled my way with less heartache (perhaps) and I could, when things got really bad, always know that I'd done everything in my power to make sure I was physically capable of conquering whatever needed conquering. I simply felt weak. And that stopped being okay.
That was 4 years ago so the road was long. But I suppose the road usually is when it's something worthwhile. And 4 years ago I didn't set out to one day run a marathon. I just wanted to be stronger. Better. At that point I had no concept of what that looked like, I only knew I had a long way to go. So tomorrow's event was never my goal, it couldn't have been. I don't typically shoot for impossible things and that's exactly what a marathon would have been at that point.
Goals shift. At the marathon expo yesterday I was wandering around taste testing clif bars and juices, looking at newfangled socks and visors. I chatted with a couple other runners, some doing the 10 mile race, others doing the marathon. Someone came on the loudspeaker and made some announcement, "Runners, don't forget..." "Runners, make sure you stop by..." "Runners, welcome and please bring..."
Runners.
If I had had some faraway, wildly unattainable goal 4 years ago, if I'd admitted as much to myself, it would have been to be part of such a collective. To be a "runner" maybe. Or just a "healthy" person. Part of some easily defined group of persons pursuing a physical goal. It would have been a vague dream at that point 4 years ago. But if I'd had the courage to name it, that would have been it. I wanted to be an athlete, however that was defined for the body God gave me.
Today I ran errands. I figured out my running clothes. I mapped things, emailed my race number to people. Made plans and preparations to meet friends and family along the route. Because it may be hard to find me tomorrow, one of 11,000. I will be part of a collective. A big, sweaty, happy, healthy collective.
I will be one of the Runners.
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